


Ghosts

by huxaholic



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mpreg, Mpreg Armitage Hux
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-07
Updated: 2016-10-07
Packaged: 2018-08-19 23:38:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8228659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/huxaholic/pseuds/huxaholic
Summary: Both Hux and Kylo are haunted by their pasts, and worry about what kind of a parent they'll be.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know if the tags are correct or if there's something better this could be tagged as!
> 
> If this isn't your thing please remember you're not obligated to read.

The prospect of being a parent is terrifying.

Hux can't quite come to terms with it. He switches from determination to save his child from the kind of life he's had to almost crippling fear that he will inadvertently damage them just as badly as his own father did to him. At it's worst, Hux can't move. He sits or stands, paralysed by doubt and dread, and stares into the distance, trying to fight the overwhelming, oppressive terror that he's going to fail at the most important task of all.

And then, usually relatively quickly, he switches back to fierce determination. He snaps out of it, shaking off the fear and gritting his teeth as he angrily goes about whatever task he'd paused in the middle of, telling himself that he won't be like that. He won't allow it to happen. He's better than that. He can do this.

No matter how many times he repeats that mantra though, he struggles to believe it.

A small part of him - a part he tries to shut away and deny is there - doesn't believe he should be doing this, and that he doesn't have the right to be a parent. Ever. He's not worthy. The shame his father left him with - that he wasn't good enough, that he wasn't strong enough, that he wasn't smart enough, or human enough, or just _enough_ \- is hard to break free of. It has taken years to see that it was his father who failed, not him, but sometimes Hux can't break free of those thoughts. They terrify him. What if they're true?

He doesn't know how to talk to Kylo either. How can he express the doubts he has? The past was always dealt with clinically, with every clear-cut detail laid out rationally. What Hux feels now is messy and confusing, and nothing like he wants it to be. He wants to put everything in its place and then leave it behind, as he thought he'd managed to do until now, moving on and freeing himself from the ghost of his father. He can't though. He feels tied to it. He feels like he might _become_ it.

He feels like he has failed already.

-

Kylo is far more emotionally astute than Hux. Hux should have realised that Kylo would work out something was wrong before too long, but he still finds himself unsure of how to word the truth when Kylo asks. He wonders for a moment if he should even speak it.

Sitting side-by-side on the sofa, Hux pauses, his hands resting on his swollen belly. "I'm afraid," he manages to admit.

Kylo's growing concern is immediately apparent, and he shifts, turning towards Hux and touching his shoulder.

"What is it?"

Hux can't help giving a humourless laugh. He then shakes his head, feeling stupid.

"It's nothing."

"Hux," Kylo says firmly. Sighing, Hux gives in.

"What if I'm a terrible parent?"

Hux isn't sure what reaction he expected, but it certainly isn't the one he gets. Kylo blinks owlishly at him, before his face falls in sadness, his mouth drawn into an unhappy line.

"You too?"

The implication that Kylo is doubting himself as well hits Hux. Hard. He feels winded by it, and immediately reaches out. Kylo quickly recovers a little though, and shakes his head a fraction.

"Why do you think you might be a terrible parent?" he asks gently, clearly pushing his own fears aside to focus on Hux.

For a moment, Hux flounders, wondering where to start. With a shrug, he looks down at the space between them, and at his growing stomach.

"What if I'm like my father? What if I don't mean to be, but it happens anyway, and I end up hurting them and pushing them away. Neglecting them.

"Shh," Kylo soothes, repeating the gentle hushing noise as he fusses with Hux's hair, looking directly at him. Hux can't meet his gaze. "Don't worry about that happening. It won't. You're not your father. You're nothing like him."

"I don't know how to do this though," Hux points out, anxiety threatening to overwhelm him. "What if I mess up by mistake?"

"You won't," Kylo says with certainty. "You're going to be wonderful."

"How can you say that?" Hux asks unhappily, stroking over his stomach and wishing he knew how to fix this, and how to make sure he'd be the best parent possible.

"What were your parents like together?"

Kylo already knows, but Hux humors him, telling him anyway. "Incompatible. My mother was, by all accounts, devoted and compassionate. My father was clinical and detached. Removed. He barely took notice of my mother, and what he could have had."

"Right," Kylo agrees. "And what are we like together?"

Hux's mouth falls open, but he struggles to speak for a moment. He has never really thought about it. What words would he use? Were the ones he wanted to use the truth? Were they as happy, as devoted, as loyal and as strong together as he wanted to believe?

"Good," he settles on. "We're good together."

"I think we complement each other," Kylo says, wrapping a little more around Hux and leaning in to kiss his cheek. "Our strengths and weaknesses work out well, and we're loyal to each other. You're too smart to fail at this, Hux. And... you love them, right?"

"With my whole heart," Hux confesses, his voice barely more than a strained whisper. "That's why I'm so afraid."

"And that's why you can do this," Kylo promises him. "You know your father didn't love you, but the idea of you. You're not like that. You're not _capable_ of being that person. Never were and never will be."

"And you?" Hux asks, softened by the words he so desperately needs to hear and unable to forget that Kylo doubts himself too. "Why are you afraid?"

"I've talked myself out of them," Kylo insists.

"Tell me anyway?"

It was Hux's turn to stroke Kylo's cheek, gazing pleadingly at him. Now he knew, he couldn't let go of it until he'd heard and understood Kylo's concerns too.

"My parents... They loved each other, but still managed to fuck up - to fuck me up. They loved me too, but... Loving someone doesn't mean that everything you do for them is okay. It doesn't mean that they will be okay. I love them already," Kylo touches Hux's stomach, his hand and his gaze remaining there, "but what if I miss out something important? What if I think that loving them is enough?"

Hux listens, trying hard not to shake his head. "You're too smart to let that happen, Kylo. We both are. And, as you said," Hux smiles. His own fears still there, but the fact he's opened up about them has helped ease them. "We complement each other. Alone we'd struggle, but together..."

He closes his hands over Kylo's, until they're both cradling the swell of their baby.

"We're going to be all right, yes?"

Kylo nods once, and then looks up. He manages a flicker of a smile too.

"Yes."


End file.
